Musings From A Musical Mind

Fighting Fair

Erma Bombeck

Image by Ujwala Prabhu via Flickr

Greg and I had an interesting verbal “sparring match” this morning.  It is very healthy to have these – as I have in recent years, discovered – and yet it is still somewhat foreign soil to venture in to the murky dark abyss of this type of “healthy exchange”.  We are still pretty new to resolving our differences this way.  Even after all the years we’ve been married.  It’s easier to say nothing than to deal with some things.

We’ve been reading one of Erma Bombeck’s hilarious books on relationships and in one chapter she writes about a very humorous exchange between she and her husband where she asks him, ‘Linda and Joe have meaningful conversations – why don’t we have any meaningful conversations’?  To which they both agreed, finally that surface conversations were safer in the long run.

Sometimes meaningful conversations between men and women are at crossed purposes and it seems easier to keep it simple.    I mean, since a man is NOT a woman – by any stretch of the imagination – it is difficult to get him to THINK like one.  I believe a meaningful conversation for my husband or any other guy friend of mine would be full of facts and information – sparring about this and that – displaying and ‘peacocking’ ambitions and accomplishments – news issues or politics – or for the Christian man – a debate on scripture or strategy on church leadership and such.

But women would rather talk about how they feel about issues – relationships and don’t care so much about the facts and figures.  And if it’s a news-worthy topic – it’s usually how people feel that are being affected – world events that talk about people and not just strategy and politics for strategy and politic’s sake.  Arguing or debating is not high on our list of ‘fun things’ to do.

Don’t get me wrong – I love a good sparring match – when it’s fun and harmless – debating about this or that – when it’s done right with no personal ‘shots’ or humiliating comments from the other party – and I can usually hold my own with any man on many topics – but it is difficult finding the balance in the sparring – when it’s your husband.

For some strange reason – over time, at least for us – we know how to do the “dance” of our relationship.  The things and words that push all of our buttons – and then have a hard time knowing how to defuse a situation after it IS into more than just a “healthy discussion”.  We know it’s important to not accuse and say things like, “YOU always says this” or “YOU make me feel lousy about myself when you do or say that” – instead we know to say, “I feel like bad when you say this” or “I am not liking what I think you are meaning by that” but alas.  Often times a discussion can turn south WAY before the intentions for saying the right thing is properly communicated.

I have learned how to have healthy and “meaningful conversations” with my husband out of necessity and out of survival – but sometimes we are not always successful – and occasionally – even we blow it.

Today I did not “stuff” my feelings as I would have done in years gone by – I spoke it right out!  It was a pretty stupid meaningless thing – nothing earth-shaking at all.  But it did have repercussions – as any discussion like this will.  And in frustration I heard myself saying these words, “Why can’t you be more like a WOMAN”?  Yeah right.  Really clever.  The problem is this:  Greg is my best friend – and he’s clearly NOT a woman.   He is a man.  He is also my husband.  So many problems with this arrangement – so much potential ammunition to want to KILL HIM at times – because he is A DUMB GUY!!

And so our dance continues.  I am learning to speak out when things bother me (this is so NOT like me in the past) and he is learning to dial it back a pinch when he has that incredible little imp that sits on his shoulder.  The Brat.  It’s not perfect – but it’s a life-long journey that we call marriage.

I suppose this is what they call “fighting fair” – having a healthy and meaningful exchange of words – really listening to what the other person is saying – learning what to say and what NOT to say to diffuse a situation and most of all – to remember to show a lot of love a grace when personal ego and pride are affected.  When your husband is a man and also your best friend – it’s worth the dance.

God Bless

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Comments on: "Fighting Fair" (9)

  1. […] Fighting Fair (cindyholman.wordpress.com) […]

  2. With my marriage, I have learned to let go of a few things, I tend to want to discuss matters at the moment, she rather wait until she is calmed down before she talks. In some areas, she is more practical than me (finances, children), but in other areas, I am the practical one (house repairs, social life) but it works out fine at the end of the day. what I hate are those “silent treatment” I usually receive, although they are less frequent now.

    • Noel – I forgot about the “silent treatment” – luckily we don’t use that much around here – Greg does get VERY quiet when provoked, though – but he’s getting better. I usually go around the house saying things like, “I’m in a VERY bad mood” – or something equally disarming – so the others can BEWARE.

  3. Dangit, Cindy. I just got done blogging about how Allison is my best friend. You’re going to think I’m copying you.

    I just got done with a book called “Leadership and Self-Deception” (sold millions of copies) that someone recommended to me and it has changed my life. I highly recommend it to you. I cheated and bought the audiobook for my iPhone. It’ll cast some light on the “why” we talk to each other like we do.

    But I hear you. Allison and I hardly ever talk about issues of the day, but boy howdy . . . we discuss other stuff. She’s a “feeler” and I’m a “thinker.” I’ve had to learn to listen – not just “listen” but to care and understand. To put myself in her place and understand why she’s so passionate. Typically after a heated exchange, I’ll figure out that we’re talking about two different things.

    I said something really, really stupid to her tonight at dinner in front of our three girls. Katie, our middle kid, said, “Men say some really dumb things, don’t they?”

    Yeah. We do.

    • Yes Ray. I DO think you’re copying me – and you’re a much better writer than I – I am humbled and awed to be in your writing presence 🙂 But you’re right – Greg and I will argue – uh, I mean discuss something and we will realize that we’re talking about something entirely different too! Frustrating!!! Men. How to live with them – How to kill them – how to make nice with them. It’s all a BIG mystery!!!

  4. The problem with fighting fair for human beings is that once you are upset enough to fight, it’s no longer a matter of what’s fair.

  5. I agree with what you said in the last paragraph about the healthy, meaningful discussion being a “fair fight.” That’s a good intellectual talk session. I don’t believe there’s anything that really classifies as a “fair fight.” If it’s a fight, it’s not fair. If you fight “fair,” you’re doing well, but you’re having an intellectual discussion. A “fight,” to me, is down and dirty, winner take all. It’s NOT fair. So I guess we should aim for NOT fighting, eh?

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