I’ve been following along with the documentary show on OWN called “Finding Sarah” – about Fergie – the Duchess of York. She is on a quest to find out why she has turned out the way she has – and why she seems to be helpless to spin out of control and make wrong decisions in her life – resulting in years of destructive behavior including a failed marriage and loss of several careers to reinvent herself. In this last episode after meeting with trusted friends and experts such as Dr. Phil – she traveled to Arizona to meet with a guru and nature healer. He was native American – with long braids – a very serene and gracious person who asked her to talk about the things that troubled her. As she poured out her story to him – he said things very similar to what Dr. Phil had already told her – with a unique spin. “What you do not acknowledge – you cannot change”. He used 2 pound rocks to represent all the different aspects of the dark side of her personality – Anger, Rage, Bitterness, Frustration, Jealousy, etc. He asked her if she had ever felt RAGE? She told him it wouldn’t have been acceptable to do that – or to even be ANGRY. Having been in a very controlled environment – that would never have been allowed – even as a child. And there were some things in her that were buried so deep – and to touch them was very scary.
Then he told her to pick them up – and pack them around on her back while they took a little journey. He said, “you carry them around now anyway – you might as well take them to know how heavy they are”. So she did as she was told – and they were heavy. Once they drove to their destination and walked in the desert for a bit – they came a place where she was instructed to take off the rocks and then he demonstrated for her what he wanted her to do to release these from her life.
He stood facing a canyon that echoed back and yelled, “WHYYYYYYYYY?” Using his whole body to really take his time – from standing upright to going down on his knees. Then he did it again – took his time – again yelling, “WHYYYYYYYYYYYY”? And letting it echo back. He told her – you are doing this for you. You need to release it. There is no answer.
She was reluctant of course – to look foolish. But she wanted to comply. When she tried to do it – it was difficult – especially when the subject of abandonment from her mother came up – and touching that emotion was so painful she couldn’t allow herself to even cry or become angry. So again – he demonstrated and feel to his knees and sobbed like a baby. She watched him – fascinated that someone could be so in touch with their feelings – and could release them and not hold on to the darker things. And though she could not do what he wanted – by watching him – it touched something inside of her – and he knew it would be a long journey of healing for her.
As I watched this “teacher” and “nature healer” speak to her – helping her discover who she is and why she is still so lost – I was reminded of how God works with us. We all carry around those heavy rocks too – but since no once can see them – we learn to hide and stuff – adjust to the weight of them. And I realized that I am not so much different from Sarah – I suppress things – stuff them – control my environment so everyone including me is comfortable. I don’t think I’ve ever had a moment of RAGE in my life. I’ve been angry – but mostly my anger goes right to sadness – and I am afraid to touch it too much.
I remember pouring out my heart to God in a situation I had about 2 1/2 years ago – and it was scary going to that rage and anger – and sobbing seemed a more comfortable place for me – so that’s where I went. Even though I know that God can handle my questions, my rage, my anger and my ugliness – it was still difficult to admit it – even to Him.
The dark emotions that each of us have – can be destructive – if inflicted on another – but I also learned that they are important to deal with and release – with just myself and God. He can handle them. He made these emotions. And He can help release something in me – so that I don’t harm and inflict someone I love.
When was the last time you were really angry about something – and allowed yourself to touch that emotion – so that you could deal with it? When was the last time you let God see that in you? Is that okay for you? Do you see it as a sign of weakness – or lack of control? When is it wrong to be angry?