Musings From A Musical Mind

Archive for the ‘passion’ Category

Laughter, Listening and Liking each other in Marriage

I posted something today on my facebook page about laughter and it got me thinking about marriage and laughter.  There are many reasons why a marriage fails – even those that start out with good intentions.  Oh sure, there are outside forces that hit you blindsided – we all know about those things – and finances (or lack of them) can also be a key contributor to failure.  But more than these I believe that at the very root of the issue is this:  Married couples forget to laugh. Now I’m not talking about the little chuckle you get from something funny one of your kids did today – or a funny email or status update on facebook from one of your friends – or even a great humorous story – I’m talking about laughing with each other – sharing a joke together – or a secret and poking fun at the other and finding it so funny!  When was the last time your spouse made you REALLY LAUGH? When was the last time – YOU were funny and not so serious?  Life is serious enough without adding to it – and sometimes you just need to take a ‘chill pill’ and just laugh.  Laugh at the absurd – laugh at the ridiculousness of your situation – laugh at the irony of life – enjoy your spouse and find something together to laugh at!  A healthy married couple smiles and laughs all the time.

Another reason marriages are in trouble is this: Married people forget how to listen. You’re so used to that person – after a while if they’re not saying anything worth listening to – we tune them out. It is an art form to learn how to listen well – but well worth it.  We were a marriage that had forgotten how to do this – I didn’t feel I had my husband’s full attention anymore – he had forgotten how to listen to me and meet my emotional needs.

Develop a healthy sense of humor with your spouse and listen to them – really listen. If you listen long enough – believe me – you will bond with them again – you’ll be able to share secrets and find that laughter too.  It will be there – decide that YOU will not wait for them – decide that you are going to turn your marriage around.  Get your ‘mischievousness’ on!  You will ignite something in your spouse – a passion that you forgot was ever there.

And finally – I think the reason that marriages are in trouble is this:  Somewhere along the way – you forgot to like your spouse. You say, “Oh – but you don’t understand – I wouldn’t ever think of leaving them” – You may even say that you ‘love’ them – in the traditional Christian way (of course) and if push comes to shove and they really tick you off and you’re at the end of your rope you might consider murder – but NOT divorce – NEVER!  You say, “Not me!   This would never happen to us!  But I don’t have to like them – I’m committed.” HOGWASH!!  You are setting yourself up for a failure with this attitude.  What if someone comes into your life that really likes you – admires you – and treats you like your spouse doesn’t? There’s a fine line between tolerance and indifference – don’t be foolish.  It happens all the time.

I like my husband.  I didn’t always feel this way.  Oh I suppose I got used to him – he is an excellent man in every way – good father – wonderful friend to many – but for me – I had forgotten to like him.  So like many of you out there – I had a choice to make.  Do I want to start over and learn how to like him again – find the laughter and the reason that I picked  him in the first place?  Can it be done?  We’re used to each other – but do I really like him?  It took many months of talking and really listening to each other to discover that we were solid as good friends – even if we hadn’t been married to each other.  We had to rediscover that again – we had to ‘date’ again to make that connection – and we DID!  And you can too.  I can honestly say now that I not only love Greg – and am committed – but I also like him.

I found this very cute and humorous video on marriage from the comedic and married team of Stiller and Meara – married over 50 years.  It’s adorable and has some great truths in it – they use laughter in their relationship and they have also found that they actually like one another after all the years together.

God Bless

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A Kiss Is Just A Kiss…

Yesterday I was reading a very interesting article on kissing.  In this article written by a man happily married – he was explaining how a kiss is so important in a love relationship and especially in a married one.

I just had a few thoughts of my own on this.

First there are many types of kisses – and many cultures that express deep meaning in a kiss.  In some cultures a kiss in greeting is not unusual – on the lips sometimes but very often on each cheek as a way to say, “hello” – or “goodbye”.

We in America do not follow these rules – and in fact we seem to have our own ‘personal space’ rule.  We would think it funny – strange or even a little creepy if someone of the opposite sex (whom we are not married to) came up and greeted us with a kiss – unless it’s your Grandpa, Dad, Brother, or Uncle.  But anyone else – NO WAY!  It’s our ‘personal space’ again.

But a romantic kiss?  That’s entirely different.  A kiss from your husband is the best kind of kiss there is.  You really can tell so much from a kiss.  It’s intimate and warm and wonderful – when done right.  It keeps the romance alive and keeps you coming back.  As a woman – I would rather have a passionate kiss that hints of more wonderful things to come – then just about anything else he could do for me.  I love his back rubs too – for that reason.  Tenderness shared by two people – the human touch – so necessary!

There are many married couples that struggle in this area.  The passion and excitement have definitely gone out of the marriage and they have been reduced to an ‘arrangement’ of sorts – instead of a growing, healthy, passionate and intimate love affair – as is expressed rather graphically in the Bible – remember “Song of Solomon”?  I don’t think King Solomon could ever have been accused of not being passionate.  Or disinterested.  Was he ‘physical’ and proud of it?  You betcha!  This is what is missing today in most married couples that have been married for 20 years or more – it’s mundane, hard, tiring and not interesting anymore.

For you women out there in this situation, I say this to you – do something to turn that thing around!  We woman have so much ‘power’ in this department – and though the man is the pursuer and should be ultimately responsible when the ‘romance’ goes out – I say that the woman has so much to also take upon herself – if the romance is no longer there.  What are you doing to make yourself attractive to your husband?  Does he look at you anymore?  Why not?  Are you doing anything about it?  Do your eyes sparkle with fun and laughter when you’re with him”  Do you laugh together anymore?  Why not?  Do you admire him?  Hang on his every word?  Make him feel important?  Wear special outfits that you know he likes?  Be softer – more feminine?  How often do you kiss him?  Build him up?  Make yourself available for him?  Take his arm – cuddle up with him on the coach?  Men LOVE to be admired and to be touched. Often and by someone they love – it’s like a drug to them.  Touch him!  Often – even if he’s not used to it – he will get used to it with very little help – I guarantee it.  And you want him touching you and thinking about you, right?  Make sure you kiss him properly so that he does!

For you men out there – YOU are the pursuer – the one that presses in – the one that is all about the chase!  If you aren’t chasing anymore – you need to ask yourself a question:  Why not?  Women LOVE to be pursued – wanted and made to feel like a QUEEN!  Especially in the home – but it goes outside the home too.  Women love to be kissed – passionately. It lets them know that they are wanted and needed by you.  They love little ‘things’ – notes, gifts, actions and words that let them know you are thinking only of them. NOT just for physical love – although if you do this right – it will lead there – I promise.  Take care of her emotional need first – and then the physical can’t help but follow.  Don’t wait until she takes care of you – YOU take care of her first and see the rich payoff you will receive.  Woman love to be touched – especially by you – so TOUCH HER!  A smart man will touch often because he wants her to be thinking about him and not some other man, right?  So kiss her like you mean it – you want your kiss to be on her mind all day!

About a year ago I wrote on the subject “Men are Simple” and still believe that men have 3 basic needs – if you meet them you will have a happy man – eating out of your hands.  1) Admire them 2) Feed them 3) Physical love (sex) – nothing could be more simple!

But women are equally simple if you break it down – it is NO secret that women are relational in nature and much more emotional as a general rule.  They love the ‘little things’ – touches and kisses and words – actions that promote love and interest.  Make her your Queen – and she will be a happy woman – and a happy woman with her emotional needs met – will meet your emotional and physical needs.

I recently thumbed through some pages online of “The Sex Starved Marriage” by Michele Weiner-Davis.  I understand how important it is to have a happy, healthy marriage – so many do not.  By the title of this book alone – it says so much. We live in a society and culture that promotes passion and sex to the unmarried and even ‘affairs’ – NOT so much in a boring, long marriage.  But I want to challenge you today – do something more about your marriage – turn it around and have a wonderful, passionate, healthy and thriving marriage as an example for the world to see!  And like was stated in the article on ‘kissing’ – you can always tell a marriage that has gotten it right.  They touch and kiss – share secrets and smiles and have a certain glow.  Love makes woman beautiful – and men young-looking and sexy.  Try it out – you won’t be disappointed – I promise.

Is a kiss just a kiss?  I think not.

God Bless

Letters To Juliet

Last night Greg and I went to see “Letters to Juliet”.  I had heard great things about it – but Greg being a ‘guy’ was unsure about this highly acclaimed ‘girl movie’ and was skeptical to say the least.  But because he’s an unusual guy and we are ‘dating’ and having fun in everything that we do – and because he likes me to be happy – he decided he could endure it – for my sake.  But he changed his mind after we both read this review from widely respected movie critic, Roger Ebert.  If you had doubts about the movie – you most likely will not after reading his remarks and personal experiences from the film – including a glimpse into his personal romantic life.

Something that is noteworthy in this movie is that the two ‘leads’ are actually married in real life and have a similar story to the movie – met and fell in love when they were young and on the set of “Camelot” and then were separated until just a few years ago – when they decided to marry.  It’s very sweet – and below is a little bit more about the story from the stars themselves – Vanessa Redgrave and Franco Nero.

While sitting there watching it – we were caught up in the story – sure it was a bit predictable and a little ‘far fetched’ – but I also know of true stories that are maybe not so different from this story – and they say – “truth is stranger than fiction’ – and in many cases it is – some of the stories I’ve heard about involving time, love and restoration after many years is something out of a story book (or movie) and I’ve said many times, “you just can’t make this stuff up!” and meant it!

Enjoy the  video below and I hope that you will go and see this – it’s a very sweet love story – for all of you ‘true’ romantics ♥

Find Your Passion

Yesterday my friend,  Ron Almberg wrote a very interesting article entitled “Human Capacity”.  I encourage you to read it when you have a moment.  It got me thinking about the subject he was writing about – talents and gifts that we all possess and how they are used.  Also the age-old question, “why does ‘so and so’ have more talent or gifts than I do”?

As I pondered this question and others like it that he brings up in this article – I was keenly aware of those on programs like American Idol and other reality shows – who may think they are really gifted and talented – only to have the truth plainly spoken to them by others with both experience and insight in that field to tell them – they are not.  As a musician I am very interested in this subject and I can’t tell you how many “gifted” children and adults who have walked through my doors over the years.  Well at least they thought they were.

There may be something that you have a passion for – but reality sets in and you may have to give that dream up – because your dream or goal may be unrealistic in comparison to your gifting and talent.  I looked up the word ‘passion’ and here’s what I found:

1.

any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate.

strong amorous feeling or desire; love; ardor.

2.
strong sexual desire; lust.an instance or experience of strong love or sexual desire.

3.

a person toward whom one feels strong love or sexual desire.

4.

a strong or extravagant fondness, enthusiasm, or desire for anything: a passion for music.

5.

the object of such a fondness or desire:

Accuracy became a passion with him.

6.

an outburst of strong emotion or feeling:

I believe you can have a ‘passion’ for something and yet – lack the talent or skill needed to accomplish a personal goal.  How many times have you heard the judges tell a contestant, “Singing is not going to be your career – you need to find something else” and while those words may be a HUGE blow to someone – ( we see the outbursts and tears don’t we?) – it may be the biggest favor that these strangers could give to that person.

I believe with my whole heart that NOT getting everything we’re desperately wanting – we’re passionate about – may be the greatest gift we ever get.  Not getting everything we ask for – is sometimes for our own good.

So what am I saying?  Don’t work hard at anything we’re passionate about?  No way.  But I believe that God “gifts” everyone in different ways – and it is our job to find what uniquely makes us different and special from all the rest. Not trying to fit into something we’re not – not trying to be a pro athlete if we’re not given special ability – or to be an artist – if we have trouble even making stick people.  Find out what makes you unique – and where you have abilities that only you have – better than anyone else.  Can you pray?  Do you have a passion for interceding for your friends and family – how about missionaries?  Then be that prayer warrior.  No one can pray like you can!  Do you have a special ability to work with your hands?  Do you like to build things?  Do you love to bless people?  Just know this:  No one can do that as well as you can!

We are happiest and most joyful when we find and operate in the boundaries of what God has gifted us to do.  As soon as you discover what that is – ask someone you are close  to – to  confirm it.  Soon you will be soaring – sharing what is unique to you.  No copycat attempts – just a special and gifted…YOU!

God Bless

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