Musings From A Musical Mind

Archive for the ‘Sexuality’ Category

Being The Right Person

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When we’re young we think we’re going to find the ‘perfect’ person to fall in love with – and eventually (hopefully) they will love us back – and then want to get married.

This is on a woman’s mind from very early on.

Love is the great ‘romantic’ idea.  She wants someone who will adore and love her – move heaven and earth to be with her – and be her ‘hero’.

Men have something very different on their minds when they start thinking about the opposite sex.  It is not usually about ‘love’ or romantic thoughts – and they can compartmentalize feelings (or lack of them) in lieu of physical attraction and sex.

When love finally hits a man – goes straight to his heart and he cannot get that girl out of his head – then he knows he is in trouble.  For good.  And he tries to be everything he can be – to say and do what he must for ‘win’ her.

She is looking for someone to save her – complete her and love her.

He is looking for someone to love him – respect and adore him.

There’s nothing wrong with this – it’s normal and natural.  But what I’ve learned through life is this:  Finding the right person is not nearly as important as being the right person.

We can enter into a love relationship expecting someone to make up for our lack.  To ‘fill in’ where we are not strong.  To be able to save us from our past.  No one can.  There is no perfect person – at least I’ve never met one yet.  And if you enter in to love or marriage thinking this – you will be very disappointed.

I’ve even heard of women (and men) saying, “when they marry me – I’ll be able to change them”.  You can’t.

Change in behavior can seem to be happening when the relationship is new and exciting – but long-lasting change is impossible.  No one changes anyone else – permanently.

Oh we see it on TV and in the movies – some of the best literature has it in there too – the ‘wild – untamed’ man – who falls helplessly in love with a woman and is willing to change for her.  And while I put great faith in love and the power of it – ultimately you are setting yourself up for a fall if that’s what you believe.

Develop a friendship with your partner.  Friendship is an easy give and take.  Ask  yourself, “would I still be their friend if I wasn’t involved with them – didn’t love them – wasn’t married to them? – Do they make me laugh?  Do I want to know them deeper and spend more time with them? – Am I the kind of person that they would want as a friend?”

Be the right person.  Fix things that are going on inside of yourself – insecurities, bad habits and negative patterns.  Expecting someone else to swoop in and ‘fix’ your troubled mind and heart is not realistic.  And you cannot ‘fix’ theirs either.  The longer that you are married – the more you realize this truth – and accept it.

There are people in whom we have chemistry with and are very compatible. There’s no denying this fact.  Those that have a better chance of making it in love and marriage are those from a similar background with many things in common.  But this does not guarantee – it just makes it easier.  Choose someone who is easy to be with – and that you can picture yourself growing old with. Someone who doesn’t require so much work.

Say to yourself, “Can I be happy with this person for many years to come?  Can I accept them – flaws and all?  Without them changing?  Is there anything I cannot live with?”

These are important questions.  They are simple – yet revealing.  If we take the emphasis off of them – and any expectations we may feel – then we can concentrate on the really important thing: ourselves.

Imagine what a great world this would be – and what healthy growing marriages there would be if everyone accepted this fact – and stepped up – saying, “I’m going to take personal responsibility for me”.  And leave it there.

I challenge you today:  God is the only one who can change hearts.  He is in the business of deep healing – from the inside out.  Allow Him to do His job with you and others.  Don’t depend on others (even your spouse) to complete you and fill you up.  That’s God’s job.  And His alone.  He will not fail or disappoint you.  He is the one who will help you to be all you can be in a relationship – and to be the right person. You can count on it.

I am praying for you

God Bless

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The Love Relationship

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I was in the gym today with Greg when he said something that sparked a long humorous conversation.  He was trying to tell me something – I didn’t hear correctly – started to interject something totally different – and he stopped me and said, ‘You’re just not hearing me – you’re not hearing my heart‘  Oh brother.  I say ‘Oh brother’ because he is saying it with TONS of sarcasm in his voice – and a chuckle at my expense!!

This has been a part of our love relationship for years now.  The differences in us that make us laugh.  Greg making fun of women – (mainly me) and imitating  all the silly ‘girly’ phrases and things we women do.  It works for him – because he always manages to get some kind of reaction from me – and he likes that.  And I tease and poke fun at him – when he becomes too serious – or too stuffy – and it always makes him laugh.

Men love to make fun of women.  Case and Point:  The movie ‘Titanic” – where the old Rose is saying about her memory of Jack (the man she loved) – ‘he saved me in every way a woman can be saved’.  Greg loves to make fun at that movie – and especially cheesy lines like that.  His first response is – ‘You’ve GOT to be kidding, right’?  But I know what she meant by that line in the movie – women get it. Women understand these deep mysteries of feelings and emotions – and Men pretend they don’t. When probed – I have discovered that men really do get it – it’s just not ‘manly’ to admit it.

Now why is this?  Men have feelings and emotions – this is for certain – and no one can hurt a man like a woman can.  Remember the recent series “Men of a certain age”?   Actor Ray Romano tells his son about women, ‘they have many ways they can hurt us”.

So if this is true – and men feel the same feelings about love and other things that we do – why is it considered weak – or ‘girly’ to admit it?  Very few men will admit to crying at a sad movie – although I’ve seen both my husband and son do it – but not many others.  Most men are guarded when it comes to expressing those ‘touchy feely’ feelings.  And I believe it is drilled into them as little boys to be tough and not show emotion.  That somehow it weakens them to admit they struggle – or have fear – or are afraid – or feel helpless in the midst of love – or can be hurt enough to cry.  Remember the song in the 70’s by the group ’10cc’ where one of the lines is ‘Big boys don’t cry’?  How sad that men believe this – how sad that they are made to feel they must be like this.

It is interesting that when you know a man – really know him – he is not afraid to reveal some of that emotion.  But he must feel safe. And just because they don’t feel like they always can express emotions like a woman can – does not mean that they don’t have them.

I’ve been married to this man of mine for 29 years this Sunday – and one of the great things I’ve discovered is this:  we are different – but we are basically the same underneath all the layers.  Our emotions are basically the same – with different reactions to pain and hurt.  We both know what it feels like to be vulnerable and misunderstood – or to be used and tossed aside.  We both understand love and relationships – and have felt all sorts of emotions in relation to each other and in raising children.  We both can still make each other laugh – and we’re great friends – even through some of the rough patches that life has thrown at us.  And that’s so nice to know. ♥

He will continue to tease and make fun – I will continue to make him scratch his head in confusion – and make him laugh – it is our dance.  And so our journey continues – with its mysteries and lessons – and its laughter. It is our story – it is our love relationship.

A Kiss Is Just A Kiss…

Yesterday I was reading a very interesting article on kissing.  In this article written by a man happily married – he was explaining how a kiss is so important in a love relationship and especially in a married one.

I just had a few thoughts of my own on this.

First there are many types of kisses – and many cultures that express deep meaning in a kiss.  In some cultures a kiss in greeting is not unusual – on the lips sometimes but very often on each cheek as a way to say, “hello” – or “goodbye”.

We in America do not follow these rules – and in fact we seem to have our own ‘personal space’ rule.  We would think it funny – strange or even a little creepy if someone of the opposite sex (whom we are not married to) came up and greeted us with a kiss – unless it’s your Grandpa, Dad, Brother, or Uncle.  But anyone else – NO WAY!  It’s our ‘personal space’ again.

But a romantic kiss?  That’s entirely different.  A kiss from your husband is the best kind of kiss there is.  You really can tell so much from a kiss.  It’s intimate and warm and wonderful – when done right.  It keeps the romance alive and keeps you coming back.  As a woman – I would rather have a passionate kiss that hints of more wonderful things to come – then just about anything else he could do for me.  I love his back rubs too – for that reason.  Tenderness shared by two people – the human touch – so necessary!

There are many married couples that struggle in this area.  The passion and excitement have definitely gone out of the marriage and they have been reduced to an ‘arrangement’ of sorts – instead of a growing, healthy, passionate and intimate love affair – as is expressed rather graphically in the Bible – remember “Song of Solomon”?  I don’t think King Solomon could ever have been accused of not being passionate.  Or disinterested.  Was he ‘physical’ and proud of it?  You betcha!  This is what is missing today in most married couples that have been married for 20 years or more – it’s mundane, hard, tiring and not interesting anymore.

For you women out there in this situation, I say this to you – do something to turn that thing around!  We woman have so much ‘power’ in this department – and though the man is the pursuer and should be ultimately responsible when the ‘romance’ goes out – I say that the woman has so much to also take upon herself – if the romance is no longer there.  What are you doing to make yourself attractive to your husband?  Does he look at you anymore?  Why not?  Are you doing anything about it?  Do your eyes sparkle with fun and laughter when you’re with him”  Do you laugh together anymore?  Why not?  Do you admire him?  Hang on his every word?  Make him feel important?  Wear special outfits that you know he likes?  Be softer – more feminine?  How often do you kiss him?  Build him up?  Make yourself available for him?  Take his arm – cuddle up with him on the coach?  Men LOVE to be admired and to be touched. Often and by someone they love – it’s like a drug to them.  Touch him!  Often – even if he’s not used to it – he will get used to it with very little help – I guarantee it.  And you want him touching you and thinking about you, right?  Make sure you kiss him properly so that he does!

For you men out there – YOU are the pursuer – the one that presses in – the one that is all about the chase!  If you aren’t chasing anymore – you need to ask yourself a question:  Why not?  Women LOVE to be pursued – wanted and made to feel like a QUEEN!  Especially in the home – but it goes outside the home too.  Women love to be kissed – passionately. It lets them know that they are wanted and needed by you.  They love little ‘things’ – notes, gifts, actions and words that let them know you are thinking only of them. NOT just for physical love – although if you do this right – it will lead there – I promise.  Take care of her emotional need first – and then the physical can’t help but follow.  Don’t wait until she takes care of you – YOU take care of her first and see the rich payoff you will receive.  Woman love to be touched – especially by you – so TOUCH HER!  A smart man will touch often because he wants her to be thinking about him and not some other man, right?  So kiss her like you mean it – you want your kiss to be on her mind all day!

About a year ago I wrote on the subject “Men are Simple” and still believe that men have 3 basic needs – if you meet them you will have a happy man – eating out of your hands.  1) Admire them 2) Feed them 3) Physical love (sex) – nothing could be more simple!

But women are equally simple if you break it down – it is NO secret that women are relational in nature and much more emotional as a general rule.  They love the ‘little things’ – touches and kisses and words – actions that promote love and interest.  Make her your Queen – and she will be a happy woman – and a happy woman with her emotional needs met – will meet your emotional and physical needs.

I recently thumbed through some pages online of “The Sex Starved Marriage” by Michele Weiner-Davis.  I understand how important it is to have a happy, healthy marriage – so many do not.  By the title of this book alone – it says so much. We live in a society and culture that promotes passion and sex to the unmarried and even ‘affairs’ – NOT so much in a boring, long marriage.  But I want to challenge you today – do something more about your marriage – turn it around and have a wonderful, passionate, healthy and thriving marriage as an example for the world to see!  And like was stated in the article on ‘kissing’ – you can always tell a marriage that has gotten it right.  They touch and kiss – share secrets and smiles and have a certain glow.  Love makes woman beautiful – and men young-looking and sexy.  Try it out – you won’t be disappointed – I promise.

Is a kiss just a kiss?  I think not.

God Bless

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